=(.

what a way to usher in the new year, huh.

selamat hari raya!

Okay. This is very different from last year. Last year I was all gung-ho and enthusiastic about making resolutions. This time, I still haven't gotten around to even thinking about them.

Last year, I was excited about buying an organizer. I still remember dragging him around everywhere looking for one and finally settling for one from that-shop-at-citylink. A purple one. =) I remember it! I think I stuck with it for about three months before switching to a new one, hehe.

I have a thing for lovely notebooks. I really really love unique notebooks to write/doodle in.

2006 has been a great year. A lot of fab memories created, a lot of changes happening, alot of decisions have been made. Let's hope whatever it is that has happened is for the best, at least for the time being, and if it isn't, let's hope that I'll have the courage to be [wo]man enough to face up to it.

Curse of the Golden Flower is a pretty good movie. So is The Holidays. Cameron Diaz's character is so..infectious and bubbly, haha.

Anyhoo, so far I have two modules. Metaphysics [Philosophy] and Government and Politics of Singapore [Political Science]. I think Adilah has decided to take the PS module with me under SS. =) Last semester I was pretty stressed out over bidding but this semester, I'm just going to do what I think is best - and leave it at that - and I think I'm alot happier with my modules. Provided I get the remaining three that is!

Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me.

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You Easy?

You Are Cheesecake

Rich, sweet, and simply perfect. You're not boring - you're just the best!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Are You a Challenge?

Your Dream Engagement Ring Has a Pear Diamond!

You're personal style is a mix of classic and contemporary, reseved and outgoing. A pear diamond matches your charming personality - and is perfect to show off. You've also got an elegant side, which is complemented a tear dropped shaped pear. It's the perfect mix of Liz Taylor and Jessica Simposon - both wearers of this ring!

What's Your Dream Engagement Ring?

You Are Funky Panties

You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top. You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard. Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable. And you've got a spunky, feisty side that comes out after a while!

What Kind of Panties Are You?

How did it come to be that you and I must be far away from each other everyday?

At the beginning of next month, the song will start playing in my blog again. Then when this dear site has received too many hits, the song will stop. Grrr.

I'm cold. I'm sitting in the middle of my living room, my laptop propped against the sofa and I'm cold.

I want Mr Binks to come home. Please oh please come home..

I realized something after Gandos came into our lives..I always wondered if I would be able to love my children the same if I had more than one..and I always feared that I would have a favourite. At least until Gandos came into our lives. Kiki used to be my one and only favourite cat in the world and I love her so much but when Gandos came in, it felt as though the love was shared evenly. I still love Kiki just as much and somehow I love Gandos alot too. I don't have favourites among them. I just love them both so much. I pretty much learned that you can't quantify love.

Then Mr Binks entered. And I fell in love with him too. I miss him so much. =( I miss him sniffling around, looking at me with that curious, innocent expression only kittens can have, rubbing his wet nose against me, rubbing his body against my legs, nibbling my finger, licking my finger, licking my ears, crawling over my laptop and accidentally switching it off, following my around everywhere.. I even miss him meowing.

I'm really really really sad. It really feels as though my heart is breaking. I want Mr Binks back, please Binks, come home and I promise that we'll never let you out of sights ever again...=*(

Gandos is special. She and Mr Binks look exactly alike. Gandos is sitting beside me now and I think she's sad. She never had a friend to play with until Mr Binks arrived..Mr Binks is a playful ball of boundless energy.

That's right. I'm using present tense.

I still remember the first night my sister brought Mr Binks home. He was crouched right at the back of the cage meowing really loudly looking really scared..but he still gobbled up all the kitten food we gave him. Oh Mr Binks, please please please come home..

Gandos is special. I found her meowing under my block, eyes still closed, only about a day old, still unable to walk when I was going out to meet Shahrul. It was rainy season then when we got a new cat. It's rainy season now when we lose one.

Looking after Gandos was hell. I wish I had the old pictures. Trying to get her to drink her milk - force-feeding was neccessary, taking her to the vet, wiping her everyday, bringing her to Kiki so that Kiki could keep her warm..It was hard as hell. Everytime you fed her, you weren't sure if she was choking or swallowing air or the milk. It wasn't easy, but we did it. =( We were so careful, took so much care. How then did we manage to lose Mr Binks?

We looked everywhere for Binks. I know he's probably dead..what are the chances that a kitten will survive this rainy season? Two grim possibilities: eaten by a snake or fell into the drain and was swept away by the strong currents. Which one? Maybe he was cat-napped. But that's not possible. Mr Binks doesn't even leave home..and he was there in the morning, he was sleeping on my grandfather's bed trying to get warm..

Mr Binks picture is even the picture on my wallpaper. It's been two days already...

:*(

Oh my heart, my heart, it's broken..

In the pursuit of happiness, we sometimes lose track of how to hold on to it and enjoy it. We want the perfect lover, instead of the perfect love.

I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this.

People just have an affair or even entire relationships; they break up and they forget. They move on like they would have changed brands of cereals.

I feel I was never able to forget anyone that I've been with because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone; what is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me, I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much...I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like, I'm obssessed with little things...Maybe I'm crazy...I think...with people I see in them little details that are so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss and will always miss.

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful, specific details.

Heyy folks. That's my sister, Ana. She came back from Perth about a week back. The sunglasses are hers, the cap's mine. When I feel especially lazy, I just don a cap. Now I think huge sunglasses are a pretty good idea as well.

And guess what happened at dinner? We planned to have a nice family meal at Kartini's, Parkway because it's been a really long time since we all went out together. So okay, I was really psyched to try the tahu telur there. But when we got there..it was such a major disappointment. Why? Not only had alot of dishes finished [they only told us after we ordered], the chicken dish had eggshells in it! K, so that was major disappointment number one. Major disappointment number two was when we reported it to the waitress. She came back with the same dish with the eggshells still in it, apologized, told us to continue eating it and they would not charge us for it and then she left.

I kid you not.

So later, we told the manager what had happened. She apologized once for it, and when my sister told her we would probably never go back to the same restaurant again..she responded with a mere "Ok."

So yeah, that's about it. We were still hungry after that so we had Macs drive-through. T'was very nice! =)

Signing out!

I know a place that we can go to, a place where no one knows you
They won't know who we are.
I know a place that we can run to, and do those things we want to
They won't know who we are.

I just zipped out to Marina Square and back to pick something up. You know what? I should never go out when I'm feeling lazy. Lazy as in, too lazy to be bothered with my appearance because that's always - and I stress on always - when I bump into people I know. Bumped into Liyana, Nurain, Adlina and Aidil there. Sometimes I really wish I was more concerned with how I look. I think I take after my mom..she hardly ever wears make up and even if she does, it's very minimal. I'm usually the one running after her trying to give her a makeover and she'll be telling me not to bother and to save it for myself. Sometimes..I can be bothered but most of the time, I can't. Hmmm.

I know a place that we forgot, a place where we won't get caught in
They won't know who we are.
I know a place where we can hide out, and turn our hearts inside out
They won't know who we are.

We're supposed to go to the beach but my mom and sister aren't back yet. =( Now the beach is double the fun because I get to drive there! Whoopee! The pictures in Amri's blog, when they went to KL, look like so much fun! I wonder when we're going to Sentosa -? Shaazzaaaa Amalinaaa Shaaarriii!!! Speaking of pictures, the pictures in Shaza's blog look really fun too. Silat's trip. =) Oh! I'm loving my new phone, by the way. Yeah yeah, it's not all that great but when you've been stuck with an ordinary phone for way too long, any phone that's better seems a helluva lot better.

We can get away to a better place if you let me take you there
We can go there now cause every second counts
Girl just let me take you there
Take you there.

Because...

These chicks don't even know the name of my band.

Heyyy Lulu, guess what? I totally agree with what you said right here: But on the other, I do want that rock in my life. Its just how long I can play this fiercely independent woman character. This is funny.. how we're agreeing with each other through our blogs!

Then again, I always said he complemented me and that there wasn't any dependance on either part.

Now this is funny because I'm sorting out my thoughts through my blog.

And hurray! It's Christmas! Love Actually last night was sweet. The little boy [Sam?] was so adorable!

"What could be worse than the total agony of being in love?" - and he says it so sincerely and his dad is so supportive of him and when the girl kissed him and he couldn't stop beaming, he looked soo cute!

La di da..it's such a feel good movie. =)

Merry Christmas, y'all!

My mom wants to read my blog. If you read this, mom, hello!

I can't wait to watch Love Actually tonight! I've been hearing so many great reviews about the movie and yessah - now I can finally catch it! My mom was funny just now, I was telling her that I can't wait to watch it because it's romantic and sweet and she was like, "I don't like those kind of movies! I've passed my time!" Haha funny lah she. =)

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad ~*

I'm sad now. I hate being judged this way. I hate tactlessness. I hate it when you turn out to be wrong about someone.

Everyone has told me that I have changed. But only two people have made me feel good about it. One of them, Shaza, acknowledges the fact that I'm changing. And I think I am. Before when I was attached, I knew my limits. I was happier knowing my limits, really. But now that I'm single, I'm pretty much able to do whatever I want and that's when I have to decide for myself if I want to do something. Have I changed for the worse? Have I become wilder? I'd say no. You're welcome to your own opinion, but I say I haven't. I'd say "Don't judge me," but I can't because you already have.

I don't think I'm not upholding love. Faizah just told me I'm strong for doing what I did. Just because you're in a relationship with someone, that you stick it out regardless, it doesn't necessarily mean you're upholding love. Of course you'd still love a person. You'd love him for the memories. I still stand by my opinion that you should only be in a relationship if two is better than one. In my previous relationship, two was better than one. Sure we fought, sure I cried, but I was willing to make sacrifices and endure for him because I loved him. But somewhere along the way, things changed. How come? Did I change? Perhaps. Perhaps I was too drunk on my new-found freedom. I'm not too sure if it was the distance that made me feel as though we had grown apart.

But you know what? I love him. I'll always love him. And I know [at least I hope] that he'll always love me. To borrow a few lines from a very old entry, written when I was sixteen, I'm content with knowing I have a special place in your heart.

I think I agree most with what Nurul said. That sometimes after being in a relationship for so long, you tend to forget the difference - why you're actually in a relationship in the first place, what it's like to love someone and be loved by someone in return. [At least I think she said something along those lines.] Which is why I need to take a step back from everything right now and just breathe. I don't know if what I'm doing now..I'll regret in time to come. I can't predict the future. I just know that I have to take this time out to breathe.

Right back at ya, babe.

Rock with me now.

We went to Courts this morning! Well, initially we were supposed to go to Ikea but decided to drop by Courts first. It was supposed to be Courts, Ikea and then Parkway. I don't quite like going to Courts or Ikea with them because they never listen to me! If I tell them something looks good or offer my opinion on something, they'll never ever listen. =P But I do offer good advice! My living room sofa? I chose it! My parents were very against it but thank God they decided to listen to me and everyone who came to my house likes it! So see - I do give good advice, haha.

I can't wait to go to Parkway. =) Hopefully they'll let me drive. I know jokes made against my driving are all in good fun but I am getting very weary of them. Grrr!

Oh! Yesterday was fun. Spontaneous meet-up with Shaza and Huda. =) I love love love surprising people [at work]. =) =) =)

Watched The Forgotten with my family last night. Were supposed to watch An American Haunting because I wanted to scare my sisters but my sister got too scared [=P] so we switched movie. Which turned out pretty well in the end because The Forgotten was good! =)

Klah, hopefully I'll get a new hp after going to Parkway. I doubt it but hopefully, k? K. Bye!

When we met we kissed each other,
But when he went away, we did not even wave.

I guess I failed. I'm just another girl. I'm not the person I once was, I'm not the girl he thought he knew.

It's okay. There's no point justifying myself or trying to cover up my choices. Doesn't matter how you look at me, how you think of me. It can't be any lower than how I see myself.

Baby let's cruise
Away from here
Don't be confused
The way is clear

And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby
Yeah, so, let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruising together
Music is played for love
Cruising is made for love
I love it when we're cruising together.

And so it is -
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

The bellydance workshop was okay. It was simply alot of fun to meet up with all the old girls - well, okay, I didn't know most of them - but it was alot of fun to meet up with a group of girls and well, shake those happy hips!

Visiting Shaza's blog brings back old memories because of the song that's playing. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Trust me folks, when you first listen to it, you won't like it. But listen to it again, listen closely to the words and you'll think it's one of the best songs in the world.

There's no such thing as a happy ending. Honestly? I've lost faith in happy ever afters. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?

Ooh! By the way, I shopped with Lulu at La Senza just now. Bought 5 very cute [and sexy] pairs of underwear. =D I really like them!



I have a very funny perception on perfection. Everything's perfect to me because if it were any other way, it would be flawed. Hence it's perfect because it's that way. You're perfect because you're that way.

Get it?

Give anything, but I won't give up.

Just came back from dinner at Simpang Bedok. Nice. =) It's raining really heavily there right now.

Self-destruct.

Sometimes I wish things would go back to how they were. I realize now that I probably felt unappreciated all this while, but how could things have been any different when he had both hands tied? I look through the pictures of my 'old life' and I feel sad. Have I changed so much? Can I ever get that girl back?

Do I even want to go back?

I do know that the best part of the whole thing was how he kept me grounded. And now I'm scared of losing sight of myself. He's the only person, and I dare say that even now, he's the only person who gives me the best advice and who can make me feel a million times better about everything.

I guess I have a long way to go too, huh.

There is a game I like to play - I like to hit the town on Friday night, and stay in bed until Sunday.

We used to be so free, we would be living for the love we had, living not for reality.

There was a time I used to pray, I have always kept my faith in love, it's the greatest thing from the man above. The game I used to play, I've always put my cards upon the table, let it never be said that I'd be unstable.

Because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in you.

I'm kinda sleepy and happy. I like Philosophy. I wish I could actually do it. It really makes me rack my brains and think. Admittedly, most of the time I don't understand what the philosophers are going on about but that's probably because I haven't gotten it just yet. What 'it' is, I don't know. But I sure would love to find out!

"But if you see them, when they open up like the statues, if you go behind their surface, you'll realize that no other arguments make any sense. They're truly worthy of a god, bursting with figures of virtue inside. They're of great - no, of the greatest - importance for anyone who wants to become a truly good man."

I really cannot wait for the bellydance workshop! It's been ages since I last attended a dance class and I really can't wait! Honestly? I don't see anything wrong with learning exotic dances or lap dances or what nots. You're merely exploring your sexuality. I would love to attend one of those classes. I wouldn't perform it for just about anyone [=P] but I think it's all in the name of fun. Good, clean fun.

But you know what? I think I really can't dance in front of guys! I figure I'm just not used to it. It feels weird, anyhow. I can dance in front of girls, for girls and with girls but when guys are around? Things feel a little strange.

But damn, I miss sweating it out. =)

"I want you on my team."

"So does everybody else."

I've got the blues big time tonight.

It's hard holding you, loving you, losing you.

I wish someone would think I'm worth it enough to actually fight for me.

Any takers? I'm all yours.

Oh I found myself and ran away.

Funnily enough, I was scared to read through my diary. My personal, written one. Why? I didn't want to 'face up' to whatever emotions I had been going through and realize how much I had changed. It's funny because I had really been avoiding reading my diary. Then I decided tonight's a good time as any to read it again.

Let's see. The last time I update was on the 7th of October. I used to be a consistent updater. But I stopped then. Guess I was too scared to 'face up' to whatever I was feeling too.

I haven't updated because I don't want to 'face up' to whatever I'm feeling right now either. Hmmmmm.

Just now, I cut my finger on my balcony door. Blood was really spurting out! It spurted onto my face, and splattered onto my floor! Went to the toilet, my sister helped me with the wound and by then, I was really nauseous and dizzy. Was a little scared and I'm embarrassed to admit that I was scared. Can't imagine how much blood must have been 'gushing' out when my sister stabbed her palm.

But now I'm okay. My finger's all bundled up though. =) Snug as a bug in a rug!

When people bitch, it isn't pretty.

When people bitch because they are jealous or because of unfounded reasons, it really isn't pretty.

Takes a stronger [wo]man to just walk away from it all.

Today I drove my mom's car! Ooh, met my instructor. He looked really happy to see me [even though at that time my mom was the one behind the wheel] because before my test, we had talked about me driving past in my mom's new car and waving at him, haha.

So AFTER collecting my licence, like the good law-abiding citizens that we are, THEN I drove. Hell yeah!

My mom was the apprehensive one, she was the one who was reluctant on me driving but I really wanted to try and I was familiar with the roads at Ubi, anyway.

Everything was going great..until she wanted me to go by the PIE. Then our roles were reversed and I was the apprehensive one and she insisted I go by PIE because she didn't want to endure all the traffic lights.

On the PIE itself..our roles were reversed again. I was like, "Mom! I'm doing 80!" and she was, "Slow down! Drive at 60!" to which I refused because I didn't want to get fined for road hogging [that's an inside joke].

Oh! While driving past my aunt's house, on the way home, I pressed the horn because I wanted to grab her attention and the horn was so soft and meek. So cute! Hyundai Getz is already such a small and cute car, and the sound the horn makes is so cute too! And her entire family came out. Initially it was my baby cousin Amirah waving from the balcony, then my aunt and my other cousin appeared at the door waving. Yay!

Yeppp, that's all, folks. =) I really want to gain more confidence on the road. Which means..I have to drive more!! =D

Hooray to the end of the exams.
[Well, not quite. I end on Monday.]